Fear of Losing Time and What is Now?

As I go on about my daily activities, and pay attention to even the smallest things - like getting a train ticket of my pocket to present to the conductor - I realize how severe my fear of losing time is.

I suppose I've always possessed a certain anxiety to not be "on time". Oddly enough, however, as uncomfortable as I may be about being late,  I am not the most punctual person, on top of that I have a rich history of procrastination. I've experienced many times an inability to complete tasks on a well planned time line, and and only scramble under pressure - power down, receive creative ideas, and manufacture a desired product shortly before the deadline.
At times such a method proves effective, but often it does not... Music learning and performance preparation is certainly in the later category.

So why is it that I possess a borderline OCD attitude towards some things, but not others? As I continue this self observation, I see that it's the unimportant thing that I often freak out about. The smaller things. It goes along with feeling worry when other people have deadlines, and I feel as if it is in my hands to remind them and set a project in motion... There is a desire for efficiency, and I manage often quite well with moving about efficiently, but when I fail to book every moment I gain a certain sense of failure.

Failure is a place of doom, and also is actually an imaginary problem... What is living in the moment?  This "live in the now" advice everyone (including myself) is quick to give is rather vague. Technically the true present moment doesn't exist for us humans, for whatever it is we experience has already happened. The milliseconds taken for the information to be transmuted through our mind and interpreted leaves the happening itself instantly in the past.

It seems to me that my anxiety and fear of losing moments goes hand in hand with a fear of emptiness. If there isn't anything here - to do, to say, to contemplate, then what is there? That glimpse of silence with self... It doesn't qualify as a worthily spend time as it pertains to my mentality... Which is fascinating, for that has been my journey - awareness, consciousness, returning of the self, giving away of the self, and existing stress free. Meanwhile, I go from "event" to "event", and Universe help me, it has to be an uninterrupted chain, OR ELSE!.... Hmmm....

I may understand on some shallow theoretical level that stress is self created, and my thought has all the power a mind needs - my body still communicates fright even in the least significant instances... Perhaps, a more often reminder is needed, that what I see is my mind, and in any given point it is allowed to change, gently.


_______________________
www.ariadnakryazheva.com
Twitter: @AriadnaKMusic
fB/opaque.voices

Reiki: A Magnet for Hidden Darkness

This weekend, right as I returned from visiting family, I spent with a Reiki master from Belgium, receiving Reiki attunement. It was an interesting time... While I have heard of Reiki and energy work for years, I never actually knew what Reiki was all about.

I discovered that it is rather simple. Wonderfully simple. You allow yourself to become a channel of the universal life force energy to help balance yourself, and those you choose to help achieve harmony. I enjoyed the weekend and curiously noted my experiences within myself as people worked on me, and as I worked on them in return.

Saturday was day one. It went peacefully, and I left with a sense of gratitude. But oddly enough, personal conflict rapidly sprouted with my partner that evening. I felt that it was a strange timing, given that we both just got "attuned".

The next day, which also began with a bit of a bumpy road in the field of personal relationships, was smoothed out by the following hours of training, where once again everyone practiced on everyone. One of the things that I found peculiar was that during the session, (just like during becoming in touch with crystals sometimes), I saw glimpses of memories I never had. Strangers I've never met, places I could not recognize. One of my friends suggested that it was a "flushing out" or sorts...

I left feeling well, and without much internal change - the Master said that I will experience a difference within in the following days after the training, and that once you get attuned, you will have it with you forever. When I got home, I began to feel deep irritation spread within me. A spill of anger, filling me so completely, that my psyche went into a mode of a break-down. I felt a hate for myself and everything/one surrounding me, I felt a fear, a self-consiousness, a jealousy, and fury. I have certainly had my share of emotional break-downs, and have been evolving consciously through them, and in part, due to them. But this! Was like no other experience! As if a valve was open - and out came all the "ugly and unloved". I let out some sobs, words left me completely. Finally, after a short while I got up, drank a glass of water, and regained consciousness. Regained... not because I was out of touch, but because I felt overtaken. Any sense of healthy judgement was replaced with wild anger. Anger mostly with myself, remember all of my flaws, And I hardly ever feel anger... Anger is a debilitating disease. And it is worsened by the mixture of fear.

Maybe it was a cleanse. Maybe experiencing such intense darkness from somewhere deep in my psyche, deep in my body meant releasing it. Maybe there is less of that certain energy trapped in me in this moment.

Have you had experiences with Reiki? And other energy work related methods?