Coming Back to Oneself

It's been a difficult couple of months. Two deaths in the family, merely 6 weeks apart, both unexpected, and a totaled car in between.

At a time of crisis I always feel that my job lies in helping all the ones around me feel better. I put on my hugging gloves and hold back the tears. After enough years of caring on the same procedure at a moment of loss, the psyche begins to resist and finally demands that I look at myself and acknowledge the presence.

It seems that that time is now for me... I get worried about others easily, but meanwhile also seeing my very prominent dependence on those "others". My well-being depends on the well-being of those "others". And is that really what I wish to experience? Obviously, since that is exactly what I am experiencing at this time. And that's ok. But I also very much understand -- through the transparency of any concern that I may have -- that this beautiful scene, this crafty scenario is written very well for me to let go of all of my concerns, and move forward with seeing more clearly.

I am capable to sit here, alone, in quite, with just the white noise coming from the open windows, and realize, that there is nothing wrong with right now. Yes, the recent losses triggered a pain from the past, and a fear of the future, however! The now is ok.

Even when I argue and try to prove a point, the back of my mind knows that there is really no need. But yet I am in my process...

There are so many ideas in my mind. They are all creative; they are all beautiful; I truly love that and surrender to their birth. And for that I need my freedom. I've always felt that I am here to create. My purpose -- being a musician, being a giver, a maker, an inventor, an artist... And I am here to do that. I am present to do that. And if I can remain on my path and not in the way, and remain minding my own business, and not the business of others and the Universe -- then in fact, the Universe and I can truly partner up and bring forth every creative thought that has already set in motion the beginning, the birth, the making. So I am here for you. And I am here for me, for we are inseparable. If you think of it, if you hear something that you like, I will come and sing it to you in person. Just think it and we will all be together.


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The Passing of My Old Life

I ache in helplessness

And count hours,

Awaiting freedom from this heavy burden.

But change occurs so slowly in the muscles,

A chain reaction I can see

Only from a distant moment.

Once this death within completes itself,

The monster will forgive and wither -

I will be freed to freedom then. Perhaps.

Fear of Losing Time and What is Now?

As I go on about my daily activities, and pay attention to even the smallest things - like getting a train ticket of my pocket to present to the conductor - I realize how severe my fear of losing time is.

I suppose I've always possessed a certain anxiety to not be "on time". Oddly enough, however, as uncomfortable as I may be about being late,  I am not the most punctual person, on top of that I have a rich history of procrastination. I've experienced many times an inability to complete tasks on a well planned time line, and and only scramble under pressure - power down, receive creative ideas, and manufacture a desired product shortly before the deadline.
At times such a method proves effective, but often it does not... Music learning and performance preparation is certainly in the later category.

So why is it that I possess a borderline OCD attitude towards some things, but not others? As I continue this self observation, I see that it's the unimportant thing that I often freak out about. The smaller things. It goes along with feeling worry when other people have deadlines, and I feel as if it is in my hands to remind them and set a project in motion... There is a desire for efficiency, and I manage often quite well with moving about efficiently, but when I fail to book every moment I gain a certain sense of failure.

Failure is a place of doom, and also is actually an imaginary problem... What is living in the moment?  This "live in the now" advice everyone (including myself) is quick to give is rather vague. Technically the true present moment doesn't exist for us humans, for whatever it is we experience has already happened. The milliseconds taken for the information to be transmuted through our mind and interpreted leaves the happening itself instantly in the past.

It seems to me that my anxiety and fear of losing moments goes hand in hand with a fear of emptiness. If there isn't anything here - to do, to say, to contemplate, then what is there? That glimpse of silence with self... It doesn't qualify as a worthily spend time as it pertains to my mentality... Which is fascinating, for that has been my journey - awareness, consciousness, returning of the self, giving away of the self, and existing stress free. Meanwhile, I go from "event" to "event", and Universe help me, it has to be an uninterrupted chain, OR ELSE!.... Hmmm....

I may understand on some shallow theoretical level that stress is self created, and my thought has all the power a mind needs - my body still communicates fright even in the least significant instances... Perhaps, a more often reminder is needed, that what I see is my mind, and in any given point it is allowed to change, gently.


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Music & Lyrics

As David and I are in the final stages of editing and mixing the song that is likely to open the next album, I rediscover how I intake and experience sound. When it comes to listening to existing tracks of other artists, I may pick up on various details in each time I hear the song. But when I am listening to the recording of my work, starting at the raw stages, and coming to a place where only certain tweaks are necessary, I realized that there is a whole music dimension in my mind. It is somewhat visual... Yet overall pretty impossible to describe. It is one of those experiences that live in the mind, and are not transcribed for anyone else to know, for they of course will have their own experience.

I saw the texture of what I wanted to hear, I saw the placement of it... With stereo panning today, there are many possibilities for music editing, and I strive for creating a particular atmosphere. David has been doing a remarkable job, while playing the role of a musician, but also the sound engineer.

I still have a few works to finish. The lyrics always come in pieces, joining together on different days to pull together a whole puzzle. I never know what the song will end up saying after all is written. I walk around, and I hear a word or a phrase that demands to be noted. I put it on paper, and let it live quietly in my pocket for however long it requires before more is born.
It is hard to think back now, how several years ago I was not living this way... Music was on my mind at all times before as well, but I think it was more oriented towards "mastering my instrument" and being "good enough", then self-loathing in a practice room... Then gears shifted and I became a creator. I used to still feel that I am not "doing what I'm supposed to" when I sat at the piano and wrote, instead of practicing violin. Now it is just what is happening in some part of my mind at all times. More pronounced in certain moments, less vivid at others.

Tomorrow I am going back to Alexander Technique training, and that always brings up inspiration, oddly... Looking into my own nooks and crannies.

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Reiki: A Magnet for Hidden Darkness

This weekend, right as I returned from visiting family, I spent with a Reiki master from Belgium, receiving Reiki attunement. It was an interesting time... While I have heard of Reiki and energy work for years, I never actually knew what Reiki was all about.

I discovered that it is rather simple. Wonderfully simple. You allow yourself to become a channel of the universal life force energy to help balance yourself, and those you choose to help achieve harmony. I enjoyed the weekend and curiously noted my experiences within myself as people worked on me, and as I worked on them in return.

Saturday was day one. It went peacefully, and I left with a sense of gratitude. But oddly enough, personal conflict rapidly sprouted with my partner that evening. I felt that it was a strange timing, given that we both just got "attuned".

The next day, which also began with a bit of a bumpy road in the field of personal relationships, was smoothed out by the following hours of training, where once again everyone practiced on everyone. One of the things that I found peculiar was that during the session, (just like during becoming in touch with crystals sometimes), I saw glimpses of memories I never had. Strangers I've never met, places I could not recognize. One of my friends suggested that it was a "flushing out" or sorts...

I left feeling well, and without much internal change - the Master said that I will experience a difference within in the following days after the training, and that once you get attuned, you will have it with you forever. When I got home, I began to feel deep irritation spread within me. A spill of anger, filling me so completely, that my psyche went into a mode of a break-down. I felt a hate for myself and everything/one surrounding me, I felt a fear, a self-consiousness, a jealousy, and fury. I have certainly had my share of emotional break-downs, and have been evolving consciously through them, and in part, due to them. But this! Was like no other experience! As if a valve was open - and out came all the "ugly and unloved". I let out some sobs, words left me completely. Finally, after a short while I got up, drank a glass of water, and regained consciousness. Regained... not because I was out of touch, but because I felt overtaken. Any sense of healthy judgement was replaced with wild anger. Anger mostly with myself, remember all of my flaws, And I hardly ever feel anger... Anger is a debilitating disease. And it is worsened by the mixture of fear.

Maybe it was a cleanse. Maybe experiencing such intense darkness from somewhere deep in my psyche, deep in my body meant releasing it. Maybe there is less of that certain energy trapped in me in this moment.

Have you had experiences with Reiki? And other energy work related methods?

Hair

Yes, as odd as it may seem, I would like to talk about hair... Certainly, I have gotten a number of comments regarding my hair change in the past 6 months... From smooth and silky - to dreads.

Now, I understood that my swing from a seemingly conservative look, to an unbrushed hippie, may come as a surprise to some, and will not be accepted and welcomed with hug. BUT! Yesterday, something hit me... I have heard a few of my mom's friends ask whether my dreads are "un-doable" or if I have permanently "ruined" my hair... And I wondered... This is a question from a hair dresser. So the thinking process is this: perms, dyes, heat, and products are all great for hair. Where as natural locs, that are cleansed with baking soda, apple sider vinegar, organic herbal dread soap, and herbs somehow amount to "ruined hair".

There is nothing new in these reactions and thinking, but it's funny that a few years ago, I myself, a habitual, unquestioning cosmetics user, and now watching commercials, ads, and sometimes even looking at women in the street, I wonder... Why are we still so convinced that a full face of make-up is necessary for a daily outing? Do clumpy, gunky eye-lashes really look appealing? What is so great about straight, bleached, dry hair? I suppose, I am overreacting, and dismissing style and fashion... But again, my question, is when will women take the upper hand in conducting fashion and style when it comes to their bodies, faces, hair (whether to remove it or not), and go with what is truly good for them? Is it possible? Am I being a stick in the mud? (Not even sure this is a proper saying for this :))

I wanted to say that I wished women wouldn't feel such need to alter themselves... But then again, am I altering myself with dreads? Or do they truly fit into the "natural" column? Am I expressing feelings of a feminist? Or am I fighting for beauty and perspective equality?


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Practicing Anything Is a Challenge

Since I have been visiting my family upstate for a week, I thought that it might be a nice time to focus and practice my skills as a dancer, and perhaps compose - since what is quieter than a suburban home?

Yet I find myself staying up late with my storm of a grandmother and my mom, talking, and the next afternoon as I whip out my belly dance gear, I watch my attention and energy wither away... Even the enthusiasm lasts for only half an hour...

I have been thinking about establishing a meditation practice to help put my mind in a place of peace, or at least in a place that is a neighbor of peace. And thinking about it was as far as I've gotten. Between working on promotional materials, seeking a new violin (mine was stolen), and recording a new album, I have reached the habitual point of "too many things at once", which oddly enough, is seemingly a home of many creative ideas.

Today I was practicing tribal fusion belly dance, and recognized once again, how far from disciplined I am. People say to me that only disciplined people actually say that about themselves, but I feel that if I were more organized and less of a procrastinator, I would actually manifest my ideas much sooner... I begin to see that all of my actions are a part of a practice. Getting up in the morning, cooking, meditating, practicing my instruments, composing, dancing, editing photographs, even communicating with people and relating to family... The last one being on of the greatest challenges at times.

I believe the practice of Alexander technique was one to truly reveal to me my patterns of all practices, and the fact that even a lack of a pattern becomes a pattern of sorts. I become overwhelmed when I see things through a magnifying glass, and watch what progress truly requires, and even as it is happening, I sometimes have to stop because I enter a mental overload. The relationship with my body has been changing through the Alexander technique, but also my mentality, and even spirit.

On a different note: I am excited to report that David has been doing a kick-ass job of mixing the first track of our upcoming album!

Can I really conquer it all? Will I dance to my own music and share myself with you fully?
Towards that day I go... But wait... I remain in the now...



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